So I am writing back to back grief blogposts, as I wanted to honor the life of my dad on this anniversary of his unexpected passing. It has taken some time to get to this point of being able to share.

My dad was a great man of faith, a great husband to my mom for over 50 years, a great dad to his 3 kids, and his crowning glory was his grandchildren! I know he spent much time in God’s Word and prayer, and one of the hardest things about his death was the knowing he was no longer lifting each of us up in daily prayer. He is so loved and missed for so many reasons!

The circumstances of his death were so complex. He had not been feeling well, with more shortness of breath and exhaustion the previous months and weeks, and had been to many doctor appointments including medical tests and treatments. The week before he died, Mom and Dad were both busy moving from their house to their new apartment at Brookside Senior Living Community, and running to various appointments, taking care of paperwork, showing their house to interested people, and 2 moving sales, plus keeping up with activities of their grandchildren. Dad kept saying he would feel better once they got moved and settled at Brookside, and that was the hope for all of us.

However, it was not to be. Memorial Day weekend he was diagnosed with pneumonia and told his fibrosis in his lungs was worsening (he’d had the fibrosis for many years from farm related pollutants). After a very busy day on Thursday, June 1st, he went to bed early as had been his habit. My mom realized he felt warm and encouraged him to go to the Emergency Room. He was finally willing to seek more medical help, and was relieved to be admitted to the ICU and given some oxygen.

The next day we continued to work at the moving process, and I am forever grateful I took the time to stop in and visit with him at the hospital briefly, as it was my last conversation with him. At that time, we were being informed of how very sick he was.

Early Saturday morning, Mom called to let me know he had taken a turn for the worse and they were transferring him to Syracuse. I took my daughter, Elissa, with me to go to see him quickly before they moved him. My sister and mom were also there and followed Dad down in the ambulance, and we had prayer for Dad around his bed before they left. He was struggling to breathe with his oxygen mask on, and couldn’t talk much, but we were still trusting that something could be done to help him. I had a bad feeling in my gut though, as I left for home to do our farm chores, and then help with the moving truck later. My husband, daughter and I helped with getting things moved into the apartment, using a map Mom had given me of how they wanted things placed. Elissa sent them pictures on her phone and Dad got to see them, and was so excited about how nice it looked. But he never mentioned going home there.

After the apartment was settled, We picked up food for our son Nathan’s graduation party which was to be Sunday afternoon. A friend and her daughter were graciously helping me wash lettuce and set up in our church fellowship hall kitchen and I couldn’t keep the tears back. I didn’t know if we should even be continuing the process, but didn’t know what else to do.

That eve. Nathan was returning from his senior trip, and his class sponsors willingly stopped in Syracuse to let him briefly see his grandpa, as I just had a feeling things were not going well even though Dad had been able to talk and joke with Mom, my sister, and the nurses a bit throughout the day. My brother also arrived from IN and saw him before heading to their nearly empty house to sleep. My sister also left, as things seemed relatively stable. Little did we know!

Sunday morning, June 4th, 2017…. we again heard from Mom, and it was not good. My facebook post was “SO not ready for this!” A very rough night for them, and Dad was really struggling. We made necessary phone calls– my husband was to preach the sermon that morning, and a few dear friends also covered for us in completely cleaning up our graduation party preparations (which we eventually rescheduled).

We drove to Syracuse as quickly as we could, but it was too late to see Dad before he became unresponsive. I am so thankful we were at least still able to talk to him in his ears, though it was difficult not to have him respond to us and to see him suffering so much trying to breathe with the CPAP mask on forcing air into his lungs. His family surrounded his bed, and several special people spent the day with us as we struggled with letting him go, sharing Scriptures, attempts at songs, and prayers together. He passed away peacefully later in the afternoon. Such a painful tearing away with the final earthly separation, though we know he was immediately in the presence of Jesus! I think the hardest things of all was seeing Mom walk out of the hospital “alone,” though she was with us, and my brother stayed in her apartment with her.

The next few days were filled with funeral plans and arrangements, and involved the same special funeral director who I handed our son’s lifeless little body to 18 years prior. We will never forget the love and support from so many who surrounded us, and who dropped their plans and just came, and so many acts of kindness. We were so loved and carried through, and each one meant so much!

Life goes on. The first year is basically about survival. Even the happy memories were painful, and we just avoided certain topics and activities that seemed too overwhelming. The second year, we started to feel like some of the sharpness of the pain was slightly duller, but we know the grief will never really go away. Losing my dad truly rocked my world. There are still unexpected grief moments that take the rug out from under me, and I find myself in tears or having to make quick exits in situations sometimes hard to explain. I am so thankful for my mom, and for the faithful testimony she has and they both showed us for so many years. She has adjusted so well to life at Brookside, and we are thankful for the love and support she continues to both give and receive while living there. So much has happened since that memorable day 2 years ago. Some things I sure wish Dad could have been here for, and some I am glad he got to miss.

Through all of this I have realized how short life really is, and that the time we have here is but a blip in light of eternity. My dad and mom had their gravestones prepared a few years ago, and though it was hard for me to even look at them while both parents still lived, I have always loved the one word message of their “epitaph,” which could not be said any better. “Redeemed.” And that is all we need to know!

I will close with the last few verses of my dad’s favorite Psalm, 91:14-16 (NKJV):

“Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him;
I will set him on high, because he has known My name.
¹⁵ He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him;I will be with him in trouble;
I will deliver him and honor him.¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him,
And show him My salvation.”